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August 29, 2009

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For Best Results, Take the Sting Out of Criticism


By ALINA TUGEND

THIS may come as a surprise, but I
don’t like criticism. I prefer constant praise and approval from my
friends, family and bosses.


On the other hand, I feel that my friends, family and bosses should
be open and accepting of any criticism I offer — always given
constructively, of course.


Does the adage “you can dish it out but you can’t take it” apply here?


All right, I exaggerate a little. I don’t hate criticism.
Professionally, for example, I would rather have someone take my work
seriously and offer valid — even if somewhat negative — comments than
be indifferent or bestow meaningless compliments.


The trick, however, is to learn to both give and receive criticism
well. If we hear any comments that are less than positive as an attack,
then we discard anything useful that the critic has to say. But taking
all criticism to heart, no matter how unhelpful, isn’t beneficial,
either.


“Most people say feedback is important, but the hidden message is,
‘as long as it’s good.’ ” said Robert Brooks, an assistant clinical
professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School.


Although it may seem easier to give criticism than to take it,
that’s not always the case, at least not if you want to do it right.
Leon F. Seltzer, a clinical psychologist who has written extensively on
this subject, differentiates between criticism and feedback. In a blog
he writes for Psychology Today, he notes that:


¶Criticism is judgmental and accusatory. It can involve labeling,
lecturing, moralizing and even ridiculing. Feedback focuses on
providing concrete information to motivate the recipient to reconsider
his or her behavior.


¶Criticism involves making negative assumptions about the other
person’s motives. Feedback reacts not to intent but the actual result
of the behavior.


¶Criticism, poorly given, often includes advice, commands and
ultimatums, making the person receiving it feel defensive and angry —
and undermines any benefits. Feedback, on the other hand, looks less at
how the person should change, but tries to prompt a discussion about
the benefits of change.


This last point is one that Darren Gurney, a high school teacher in
New Rochelle, N.Y., has thought a lot about. Mr. Gurney also coaches
high school and college baseball teams and runs a summer baseball camp
that my sons love. He has found that one of the most effective ways to
criticize a player is not to tell him what he did wrong, but ask him to
analyze what he thinks he could have done better.



“Listening skills are the most underrated skills,” Mr. Gurney said.
When coaching, he says, he asks the players to break down three things
that went wrong that day and how they can do them better in the future.


“It transcends the playing fields to life skills,” he said.


And although it may seem obvious, Dr. Brooks said, people take
criticism a lot better if their boss (or spouse or parent) isn’t too
stingy with positive feedback.


Understanding a person’s upbringing when issuing criticism is
crucial, Mr. Gurney said. Whether because of natural temperament or the
environment in which they grew up, or both, some people are used to a
robust exchange of ideas (let’s call it yelling) while others shrink
from it.


Shinobu Kitayama, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan, identified clear differences, for example, in the reaction to criticism in the American and Japanese cultures.


“In general, it seems as if criticism is very hard to take in
contemporary American culture,” Professor Kitayama said. “It’s seen as
a threat or an attack on self-esteem or as violating social rules. In
Japanese culture, self-esteem is important, but more important is
improving yourself.”


In a large study of Japanese and American Olympic athletes, which
Professor Kitayama co-wrote, Japanese athletes and commentators were
twice as likely as Americans to criticize their performance or make
negative comments about it.


“Americans say about four positive comments to one negative
comment, while the Japanese tend to equally balance positive and
negative comments,” said Hazel R. Markus, a professor of psychology at
Stanford and another co-author. This and other studies, she said,
indicate that failure feedback is motivating for Japanese while success
feedback is motivating for Americans.


Lisa Orrell, who writes and does workshops for what she calls
millennials — people in their 20s — says there are also generational
differences. “Old-style management may be more curt,” she said, and
often less hands-on, reserving feedback for quarterly reviews.
“Millennials want to communicate often with their managers, even every
day.”


Ms. Orrell acknowledged that the generation now in its 20s may also be less used to, or able to cope with, negative opinions.


“I run something called a millennial business boot camp, and I speak
specifically to 20-somethings,” she said. “I tell them, ‘You’ve got to
be flexible and open. How something is said may rub you the wrong way,
but you need to hear what they say. You can’t just shut it down because
it’s not praise.’ ”


But it’s not only those in their 20s who need to learn how to take
criticism. Some people’s hackles are raised at the slightest criticism,
while others are more willing to listen and learn. But few embrace it.


This is because most of us have an “inner Charlie Brown” Mr. Seltzer
said. “One of the reasons everyone relates to Charlie Brown is he is so
insecure.” To neutralize that part of us, we need to realize that
“we’re fundamentally O.K., even when we make a mistake,” he said. “It
doesn’t mean that because we screwed up, we’re screw-ups. And the only
way to do that is to have self-esteem firmly anchored within.”


But promoting self-esteem doesn’t mean giving only positive
feedback, Dr. Brooks said, but rather helping children learn how to
cope with constructive criticism at school and home so they can grow
into adults who can handle it at work and in relationships.


Experts say that when hearing criticism the important thing is to
listen. Don’t go on the defensive, but don’t assume the critic is
right. Although it’s not always easy, try to determine which
information is valuable and relevant and which isn’t. While your first
instinct may be to argue or apologize and quickly leave the room, stay
and calmly ask questions to clarify the situation.


Also, consider the source. As a columnist, I receive numerous
e-mail messages about my articles. Many are thoughtful, but some are
downright mean — and those are often anonymous. Although it’s not
always easy, I have to remind myself that a vituperative comment is not
a valid criticism.


And when the critical remark hits home? Well, I just have to
remember, as the writer Elbert Hubbard said, the way to avoid criticism
is to “do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.”



Speaking of criticism, my last column on preteenagers and cellphones
prompted some readers to comment that the best way to ensure that
children limit their cellphone use is to make them pay for some or all
of the cost. I agree, and, should have mentioned that we do require our
sons to pick up most of the cost of their cellphones.


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